Looking at my “Will Be” post from the beginning of this month and then comparing it to what actually happened is… humbling. I had some very lofty goals for the month and some sky-high expectations. Was I fearless? In fact I think I was the opposite.
This month I’ve been terrified of how things started turning out. I didn’t think I would be here. This was not my plan A. But as I said last week, my plan is not what’s important here, though I may be getting ahead of myself.
My first stumbling block of the month was that I don’t want to commit to an internship without having some place to live. I didn’t want to sign a lease without being sure that I would be able to be online-only with my coursework in the fall. I couldn’t be online-only without petitioning for a different course. So, I was depending entirely on this petition being accepted and waiting impatiently for the results. Spoiler alert: I’m still waiting.
Meanwhile, there were a lot of things I wasn’t sure about committing to without knowing where I was going to live by the end of the month (I was still looking for apartments, not yet knowing how long the petition would take to be processed). I didn’t look for jobs or internships, I didn’t try to get a motorcycle licence, and, while I did write some, it wasn’t nearly as much as I had hoped to.
With all the “didn’t”s there it’s hard to see what I did manage to do, but there were a few things. I spent some time working on my relationship with God. I joined a community group through my church and I read a lot. I started to cultivate a habit of writing every day on a specific project. I watched good TV.
With my academic calendar in limbo I wound up just waiting. And as hard as it was to admit, waiting around in LA wasn’t really much different than waiting around in San Francisco would be. So last week my mom drove down to LA, we packed all my things in her car, and I went home.
Typing that feels like defeat. It feels like giving up, and even though I know it’s only for a little while, it’s only a temporary solution, it still makes me cry. It didn’t feel real until church on Sunday. Having to answer to a bunch of people who know in some part that this was not the plan I had at the start was painful.
Even knowing that these people will think no less of me for it, it was hard to say out loud that ‘no, I’m not just visiting, I’m going to be here for a little while’. And ‘yes, Los Angeles was great, and school was wonderful, but I am once again in a period of stasis’.
I am once again in a period of stasis. Where are you?