Honesty, Honesty, Honesty

Lately I’ve been trying to be really, truly honest with myself. With where I’m at right now and what I really want to be doing with my time since I have so much of it. I get frustrated when I spend days on end procrastinating moving forward in my career. I justify it by saying that I don’t have a job. I don’t have a schedule. I’ve only just graduated.

While all these things are true, making excuses won’t magically get me what I want. I need to be accountable. I need to lean in to this community I’ve been a part of and trust in their support. And I’m trying. I’m hoping and praying that my time isn’t wasted.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all the reassuring phrases. Yes, it’s only for a little while. I know, something will come. I know that I need to “Not be so hard on myself” (I don’t think I’m actually being hard on myself). Don’t get discouraged, keep my chin up. All those things.

But to be honest – and as I believe we’ve established, that is the goal – these platitudes only serve to make me more frustrated. While I’m more or less happy with where I’m at, these cliches make me think I shouldn’t be allowed that calm. Instead of saying “You’ll be okay,” they seem to ask me instead, “Why aren’t you freaking out more?”

In an effort to be more honest, I’m going to stop people from saying these things. “How’s it going?” It’s going fine, I’m vaguely looking for work and spending time on other life skills in the mean time. Like investing in myself and figuring out how I work best. “How was my week?” It was slow. Gloriously, relaxingly slow. And I am completely okay with that.

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