I wish I could understand. I am a perpetually positive person. I wind up looking on the bright side of everything, and I wouldn’t want to change my attitude for the world. This outlook is a good fit for me and I am a good fit for it. But even so, I wish I could understand the sadness and emptiness that comes with depression.

Because when someone I know confesses to me their own emptiness I never know what to say or where to even begin. I just sit there and wind up saying the only thing I can think of over and over. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I’m sorry that I can’t do anything. I’m just so sorry.

My own cock-eyed optimism pushes away any depression I may have. My faith laughs in the face of doubting Thomas questions. I’ve broken bones and friendships and habits and promises, but I never seem to break myself.

Perhaps admitting this is folly. Hoping for understanding and empathy could wind me in a predicament from which I can draw empathy for the rest of my life. But I don’t think the world works like that. The world just works. And it continues on regardless.

I’m sorry Mr. Williams. I’m sorry that this was the way you went. I’m sorry that I have no other words to offer. I’m so sorry.

Call someone: 1-800-273-TALK
Chat online: www.imalive.com

Talk to someone. I may not have the words, but talking helps. Tell someone you trust. Talk to a professional. Ask a friend to come with if it helps. Don’t give in. You can pull through. I believe in you.

Honesty, Honesty, Honesty

Lately I’ve been trying to be really, truly honest with myself. With where I’m at right now and what I really want to be doing with my time since I have so much of it. I get frustrated when I spend days on end procrastinating moving forward in my career. I justify it by saying that I don’t have a job. I don’t have a schedule. I’ve only just graduated.

While all these things are true, making excuses won’t magically get me what I want. I need to be accountable. I need to lean in to this community I’ve been a part of and trust in their support. And I’m trying. I’m hoping and praying that my time isn’t wasted.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all the reassuring phrases. Yes, it’s only for a little while. I know, something will come. I know that I need to “Not be so hard on myself” (I don’t think I’m actually being hard on myself). Don’t get discouraged, keep my chin up. All those things.

But to be honest – and as I believe we’ve established, that is the goal – these platitudes only serve to make me more frustrated. While I’m more or less happy with where I’m at, these cliches make me think I shouldn’t be allowed that calm. Instead of saying “You’ll be okay,” they seem to ask me instead, “Why aren’t you freaking out more?”

In an effort to be more honest, I’m going to stop people from saying these things. “How’s it going?” It’s going fine, I’m vaguely looking for work and spending time on other life skills in the mean time. Like investing in myself and figuring out how I work best. “How was my week?” It was slow. Gloriously, relaxingly slow. And I am completely okay with that.